A New View At Life

IMG_3497Almost a year ago I had an epiphany of sorts. I will blame it on the whole ‘turning 40‘ thing. I took a big step back and really analyzed where I was in my life, what I wanted and where I wanted to go. This ordeal sent my mind spinning in crazy directions, leaving me truly wondering what did I want? It was at that moment I decided to walk away.

Now, any of you that know me realize I do not do change well. I stayed at the crappiest job ever for 12 years because the thought of change scared me more than the toxic people I worked with. After much prayer and a gift from God, I was able to leave that job for a new one I truly loved. Fast forward two years and change would have its way with me again as we up and moved from Chicago to the grand ole state of Texas. New town, new state, knowing no one. I couldn’t even get to the grocery store without my navigation in my car. But I trudged on and am now getting quite familiar with this new land and have been able to do so without relying solely on Google Maps. Yeah me!

I tackled turning 40 with my bestie by taking a girls surfing trip to Barbados. It was amazing; the food, the surf, the stories – oh the stories! I think this picture sums it up quite well.

IMG_2633Now Kat, weren’t you talking about walking away? Yes, yes I was. I decided in my pre-midlife crisis moment to walk away from writing. This included my blog, Blissfully Domestic, my journal and every other writing platform I was working on or posting to. Seems easy I know, but when something has been a part of your life for eight years it is hard to walk away. Through writing and blogging I have made fierce life long friendships, I have met amazing people, been inspired over and over again, have finally been among people that ‘get’ me – how could I walk away from everything I loved and cherished. These guys.

IMG_1862And Hubby, I can’t forget Hubby. I had caught myself one too many times saying, “Just give me a minute to finish this up” and “Can you please quiet down? Mommy need to get her work/writing/post done“. I was actually convicted by Monkey who said, “I know Mom, you always say that.” Whoa. THAT is not what I wanted to hear. I didn’t want them to remember me as some crazy haired person hiding behind a laptop. I wanted them to remember me; that I spent time with them, was fully present in their lives, that I cared about them more than the internet, that I loved them with all my heart and soul.

So after a heart to heart with Hubby and his assurance that the world would go on if I didn’t blog, I took a break. To say it was easy would be a big fat lie. I was like an addict – “If I just quick put up this haiku I just wrote people wouldn’t forget about me, maybe if I do just one more 100 Words….” The list went on and on. I made a conscious effort to leave my laptop out of plain sight. I actually hid it in my closet. Pathetic, I know. But I missed it. I still miss it. But by walking away for a bit it made me realize how much time I was truly spending on it. Time that I could never get back with my family.

So now our family rule is no laptops after dinner. Internet time has been replaced with mandatory family snuggle time on the couch. And even though it is cramped and squishy and full of boy madness, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But I am trying to find a way write more. Because life has to be about balance right?

 

Revelation

398810_10151011977692516_1802121691_nAs I begin to inch closer to a new decade in life – one that I believe holds great things – I know I must also take time to look back and reflect on the past. A huge ordeal for me since I am not fond of reliving or even temporarily revisiting that which has already happened. In fact, until earlier this year, my past had been safely stored and secured in the deepest, darkest crevices of my heart and soul. Left to collect dust and never be fully reopened – unless someone came along and thrashed open an old wound in the battle of life.

But during a class I took I was forced to open all those boxes, dump everything out, relive it and then – this is where it gets crazy – share it with the others in the class. ALL of it. WHAT??!?! Oh yes. I had to dust out every corner and bear all that I had worked so hard to hide and forget. Messed up right? Who in their right mind wants to vomit up every mistake, weakness and scar for a group to hear and analyze. Talk about ripping off the bandage! Who would voluntarily sign up for this train wreck? Me.

In the thick of it I thought it was the dumbest thing ever. (Please really read that as I was scared to death.) Those emotions were boxed for a reason. But as a faithful sheep I unpacked, dumped and sorted through a lot of hurt, pain and conflicts. Even better? Hubby was taking the class with me and had to do the same thing. OY! And while the process was far from pretty, I came out of it a different person – changed, healed and shockingly solid. Somehow while dumping out all the tattered and broken, God was able to put it all back together – whole – without gaps, holes and missing pieces. I was stronger and more solid than ever before. It was not the result I was expecting.

Those demons – while they still occasionally like to rear their ugly heads – don’t control me anymore. They no longer consume that which is me – the real me. I don’t have to chase down worthiness and love. You either love me as I am or move on. I will no longer chase you. I don’t need to cut myself to relieve the pain, to fix what is hurting within. I have been successful so far – yeah me!! Will there be times of weakness? I am sure. Will there be times when feelings of worthlessness try and take over? Absolutely! But for now I am going to keep my head up, shoulders back and exclaim, “Game On!!”

So Much To Be Thankful For

This lassie has much to be thankful for and I am grateful for the abundance of blessings God has provided me. Most of all, this car full of chaos!

From my family to yours, Happy Thanksgiving!!

A Poem of a Lassie

Most friends call me Kat

The others call me Momma

Some don’t even call.

Wife, mother, sister

Maid, writer, confidant, friend

Short order cook too.

I’m the only girl

In a house loaded with boys

I am out numbered.

I like many things

Soccer, wine and chocolate

Don’t forget coffee!!

Sand between my toes

The colors of a sunrise

Smelling burning leaves.

Holding Hubby’s hand

A piece of cheesy pizza

Spring rain, a clean house.

I don’t like spiders

Ironing, clowns and onions

Heights and loud talkers.

Doing dishes – yuck!

Conform to society?

Not this sweet Lassie!

I can’t touch my toes

Can touch my nose with my tongue

Can’t sing worth a darn.

So now you can say

This Momma Lassie you know

For better or worse.

Photo A Day September: Days 1 – 9

Day 1:  Now  Day  2: Dad   Day 3: Far away
Day 4: Mailbox  Day 5: Bright   Day 6: Every day
Day 7: Natural   Day 8: At night   Day 9: Something you do most weekends

Barren

This lassie’s brain is barren, blank, depleted, fallow and unproductive. I have sat down to write over and over, only to produce a whole lot of nothing. Some days I may get some random gibberish. Others I stare at the blank page, trying not to be intimidated by it’s blankness. But more importantly, I am tired. I need a break. I need to re-find my love of writing so it is not a chore. I’m not worried as this is cyclical for me. I often find myself living in ebbs and tides. Often, I struggle writing when there is just too much swirling around in my head. Right now there is a lot swirling. But soon the movement will calm and the words will come. Till then, enjoy the heat of the desert.

Encircling Change

Today I flipped the last page of an overly long chapter of my life. I am happy, elated and ready to move on. Of course, to celebrate I laced up my shoes and ran my heart out! Thanks Hubby <3

Run baby run
Don’t ever look back.
They’ll tear you apart
If you give them the chance.

Six Word Memoir – La Familia

Back together again, all is good

This week my memoir is doubling as my Summer Fun Photo Challenge. This weeks theme is family. I love mine and after not having Bear home for two weeks, I was uber excited to see his smiling face again, even if he tried to hide in the picture!

So snap of picture of some family fun and join in!!


Six Word Memoir – And He’s Off

He’s on his way to Canada

sassy irish lassie

My heart just broke a little

Today I put Bear on a plane to Canada for two weeks.  He’ll be an exchange student and have the time I his life.  I only cried a little, not wanting to embarrass him. It is the first of many strings that will be cut as he continues to grow into an adult. But every little cut hurts a little more. Who told him he could grow up so darn fast. Sniff sniff

Not Dreading This Bucket List Item

sassy irish lassieAnd this little dread went to market. And this little dread stayed home. This little dread said “Another one checked off my bucket list!!” What?! Your dreads don’t talk to you??

It has been a few months of check marks for this lassie. Last month I learned to surf (squeee) and this month I finally sucked up my fear and got dreads. My 7 y/o first response? “WOW Momma!!  You look so different but WAY more beautiful!” And for that I gave him an ice cream cone. Hey, this Momma is not beyond bribery for compliments, though I know my little monkey meant it with the most sincerity.

Hubby on the other hand is beyond smitten with it. He keeps asking me why I didn’t do it years ago. Secretly, I am asking myself the same question.

So now I am just waiting the mandatory period for them to get settled. Did I mention that I hate waiting. Yeah, I do. Wonder what number I will cross off next. Any suggestions??