As I begin to inch closer to a new decade in life – one that I believe holds great things – I know I must also take time to look back and reflect on the past. A huge ordeal for me since I am not fond of reliving or even temporarily revisiting that which has already happened. In fact, until earlier this year, my past had been safely stored and secured in the deepest, darkest crevices of my heart and soul. Left to collect dust and never be fully reopened – unless someone came along and thrashed open an old wound in the battle of life.
But during a class I took I was forced to open all those boxes, dump everything out, relive it and then – this is where it gets crazy – share it with the others in the class. ALL of it. WHAT??!?! Oh yes. I had to dust out every corner and bear all that I had worked so hard to hide and forget. Messed up right? Who in their right mind wants to vomit up every mistake, weakness and scar for a group to hear and analyze. Talk about ripping off the bandage! Who would voluntarily sign up for this train wreck? Me.
In the thick of it I thought it was the dumbest thing ever. (Please really read that as I was scared to death.) Those emotions were boxed for a reason. But as a faithful sheep I unpacked, dumped and sorted through a lot of hurt, pain and conflicts. Even better? Hubby was taking the class with me and had to do the same thing. OY! And while the process was far from pretty, I came out of it a different person – changed, healed and shockingly solid. Somehow while dumping out all the tattered and broken, God was able to put it all back together – whole – without gaps, holes and missing pieces. I was stronger and more solid than ever before. It was not the result I was expecting.
Those demons – while they still occasionally like to rear their ugly heads – don’t control me anymore. They no longer consume that which is me – the real me. I don’t have to chase down worthiness and love. You either love me as I am or move on. I will no longer chase you. I don’t need to cut myself to relieve the pain, to fix what is hurting within. I have been successful so far – yeah me!! Will there be times of weakness? I am sure. Will there be times when feelings of worthlessness try and take over? Absolutely! But for now I am going to keep my head up, shoulders back and exclaim, “Game On!!”