ode to a critter

Dear Critter,

For three nights now you have been scurrying around my attic. And while I say scurry, you are actually clawing and clomping - Every. Frickin. Night. Don’t think I don’t hear you! Oh, and I know you strategically wait till Hubby is out of town to increase your chances of living happily ever after in that penthouse of warmth. But this Lassie will have no more!! I will not be awoken from my deep slumber to hear you trying to claw your way out of the attic through the door in my closet. I will not tolerate your noise, your scratching, your scraping, your merry-making. It ends tonight! Be prepared and be afraid. Be very afraid.

Tonight, I am coming to get you. Unless of course you start scratching again. Because in all honesty, I am not really sure HOW big you are or how sharp your claws may be. I may even scream like a girl if I see you scurrying around and lawd forbid you try and run towards me. And let’s face it – it’s dark in the attic. There is no way I am reaching my hand into the blanket of darkness searching for the light switch. I bet you would be right there… waiting for me…. with your beady little eyes and smirky smile (just like the one you have in the picture above). That little smirk that says, “I own you.” Yeah, I know that smirk. I see you and your friends in the backyard . There are a lot of you. Are you going to revolt and take over our house?? The anxiety is just too much for me to handle I tell you!!

So how about we make a deal? I will leave you alone in the penthouse of warmth if you just keep it down so I can get some sleep? Deal??